Breaking tradition

 Every year for 9 years (except Dec 2020) I would be getting ready to pack soon.

Christmas Day was Travel Day.

The checklists were updated and started to be ticked off.

I'm so incredibly depressed that this year there will be no more flying to England.

No more arriving midday and popping to the pub the afternoon to say hello to familiar faces.

I wonder what they think of me now. They didn't know me, and they sure didn't know how things were.

On the surface and to others we seemed to be the perfect couple. Long distance but so tightly bound in our love, solid and true, that distance didn't matter.

But it did. It mattered a lot and even though it was up to me to bridge that gap, it became impossible. My money is finished. My savings are gone. There was no way to get there even just for myself. 

My heart breaks. I just want to cry and cry. At the loss of what could have been. But wasn't meant to be. 

The things that divided us became more and more a problem. The compromises too many. Their weight starting to drag me down. When you start to wonder what peace must feel like how do you keep up appearance unless you are a cold-hearted sociopath? I couldn't.

I miss hanging out, coffee after grocery shopping, strolling around town, grabbing a pint, lying on the couch reading while you game, or just knowing I'll see you today. Not months from now, but you were just down the road or in the next room. 

Now it's just a big black hole empty of what it was filled with before. 

How can I miss the disagreements and fighting? How can I miss the drink-fueled arguments? I told you many times - more than 4 pints and you look for a fight. That's the time you pick the things that were hanging between us unsaid to pick at it until it bled. 

I'm hurting. I'm playing that movie to the end. I wonder if you are ok. I'm not. The pain I was put through together was replaced by a pain of separation. There is no going back. I'm reminded of the differences in opinion about very important beliefs. My faith should be the most important thing, and I compromised until it was just a peripheral activity. 

I pray for relief. I pray for guidance. I obeyed. Don't be unequally yoked. Now I carry the load alone. There must be a point and purpose to this. God show me.