Breaking tradition

 Every year for 9 years (except Dec 2020) I would be getting ready to pack soon.

Christmas Day was Travel Day.

The checklists were updated and started to be ticked off.

I'm so incredibly depressed that this year there will be no more flying to England.

No more arriving midday and popping to the pub the afternoon to say hello to familiar faces.

I wonder what they think of me now. They didn't know me, and they sure didn't know how things were.

On the surface and to others we seemed to be the perfect couple. Long distance but so tightly bound in our love, solid and true, that distance didn't matter.

But it did. It mattered a lot and even though it was up to me to bridge that gap, it became impossible. My money is finished. My savings are gone. There was no way to get there even just for myself. 

My heart breaks. I just want to cry and cry. At the loss of what could have been. But wasn't meant to be. 

The things that divided us became more and more a problem. The compromises too many. Their weight starting to drag me down. When you start to wonder what peace must feel like how do you keep up appearance unless you are a cold-hearted sociopath? I couldn't.

I miss hanging out, coffee after grocery shopping, strolling around town, grabbing a pint, lying on the couch reading while you game, or just knowing I'll see you today. Not months from now, but you were just down the road or in the next room. 

Now it's just a big black hole empty of what it was filled with before. 

How can I miss the disagreements and fighting? How can I miss the drink-fueled arguments? I told you many times - more than 4 pints and you look for a fight. That's the time you pick the things that were hanging between us unsaid to pick at it until it bled. 

I'm hurting. I'm playing that movie to the end. I wonder if you are ok. I'm not. The pain I was put through together was replaced by a pain of separation. There is no going back. I'm reminded of the differences in opinion about very important beliefs. My faith should be the most important thing, and I compromised until it was just a peripheral activity. 

I pray for relief. I pray for guidance. I obeyed. Don't be unequally yoked. Now I carry the load alone. There must be a point and purpose to this. God show me.

Still

I still love you.

    I still miss you.

        I long for my other home that is now forever or however long unreachable.

            I break.

                When will it stop?

                    I play the movie to the end, and it was killing me.

I still long. But hope is dead.

Walking away

Sometimes one has to walk away even though it shatters your heart. 

When love is not enough, we can only hang on so long until the heartache, pain, anxiety, and eventually fear overwhelms you.

The moment arrives in a flash when your whole being shouts "NO MORE". That's it. Hard stop. No contact.

One moment of being swore at again that's one time too many.

One moment of all that is bad, not the good that remains, being pushed to the fore.

One moment where it's all about you, not our crisis.

One moment where I'm pushed to choose 'us' above my kids.

Don't waste the pandemic

WOW it's been two years since my last post. A lot has happened as it does in life, but never more so as now during the Covid-19 pandemic.

I'm sure many around the world who are contemplating cause and effect, the "Why?", are wondering what is the purpose of all this to us as humanity? We are already seeing positive effects on the environment with cleaner air, less polluted water, lower stress on infrastructure and so on. Which proves that if we want we can make a difference to environmental impact from modern living and the effect it has on climate change.

But that's not all surely.

On the home front we are constricted in our movements, majority of people working from home globally, extremely low travel between countries, and limits on socialization between friends and family. For those of us with the means, we are grateful for modern technologies to keep us connected but many can't just slip comfortably into home-based living and work.

There are millions world wide who do not sit in cushy homes with digital media streaming 24/7.
There are millions who do not have the luxury of working from home but have to go out to work, whether it be hourly paid work, manufacturing, health care, security, police, and such.
There are thousands who cannot work because their places of work has been closed. Theaters, cinemas, restaurants, pubs etc in some countries.

And you wonder why?

I'm seeing how quickly business owners are adapting their product delivery. by implementing home deliveries or order-and-pickup to keep cash flowing.
I'm seeing how local grocery shops are offering retirement home / care home deliveries at no cost.
I'm seeing how large grocery chains accommodate those who are vulnerable to venture out, by having strict access at specific times for them only.
I'm seeing how theater companies are starting partnerships with digital media and television channels to reproduce their stage works for screens.
I'm seeing how a music stage production that had to shut down, had recorded their songs and is offering it for download to help support the out-of-work actors. > Support them here <
I'm seeing how in-person workshops are now extended to use technology to deliver the same.
I'm seeing how companies previously rejecting work from home is now opening that opportunity and might be surprised at the positive results. (There is a whole new world in online collaboration which I will write about in a separate post.)
My list goes on.

But many millions will lose their jobs, economies are tanking so what's the point?

If you've managed to scan through to here I'm grateful.

So here are my personal thoughts about what the point could possibly be.

This worldwide pandemic is giving us a unique opportunity to break with the mundaneness of everyday life. Of 'going through the motions' without thinking of the Bigger Picture.

Epidemics and Pandemics have come and gone through the ages and one thing has never changed. God. 

Did God cause this? No.

Did He allow this? Yes.

So ask yourself. Why? And this is the most important Why of all.

You have to admit that you call to God more often when things get tough. We use Him as a Go-To to get us out of trouble when we lose hope in the things from this world. He calls those who have strayed and those who have rejected in times of trouble. He pulls even closer the faithful to comfort and strengthen our faith.

So here is your opportunity.

DON'T WASTE THE PANDEMIC

Call to God to draw near to Him 

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:8

Pray to Him for strength to lift you up

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Reach out to others in despair and encourage them

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thess 5:11

Testify Testify Testify

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God. 2 Tim 1:8

Praise Him in times of trouble

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Cor 12:9-10

Think about where your priorities lie. They might need some adjustment.

God Bless to All and may you all come through stronger in Faith, closer to God.

My writing experience to date

I'm busy writing my first novel. It's (possibly, who knows) a Young Adult fantasy novel and the whole writing experience has been somewhat of a surprise.  I thought I'd jot down the experience to date....

This too shall pass .... eventually

My father was a very wise and insightful man. His favorite saying in times of trouble was that "This too shall pass." Over my younger and adult years I have always held on to this saying. But it seems that the older I get, and I'm not old by a long shot, the time it takes for things to pass is taking longer and longer. And the 'this' is getting more and more serious as well. 

It might be that God is entrusting me with more so that His glory will be sung all the more greater when victory is to be had, as it will.

But just for now I would like, and pray, to be given just a little less, a little quicker to pass.

redb

Saw a speeding hearse today .... guess someone really was late for his own funeral. 

redb